Torie Tells Stories

The first time I listened to thanK you aIMee by Taylor Swift I ended up crying at the office. You might be wondering how I got here, crying in public, especially to this song in particular which is not generally considered one of Taylor’s most emotional tracks. Let me tell you.

I’d stayed up till 2 am the night before listening to all the tracks on the first album and waiting for the surprise all the Swifties knew was coming. When it was a second album, I was so excited but I was also exhausted. I had absorbed as much as I could in one night, so I went to sleep and saved the second half of the album for the next day. 

Thanks to my own poor planning, I headed into the office to complete my second mandatory in person day for the week. I often listen to background music while I’m working so I had Tortured Poets going in my headphones. I started at the beginning of the album with the songs I’d already heard in the early hours of the morning so by the time the Anthology tracks started playing I was focused on my work and not paying much attention to the music.

The lyric “But when I count the scars, there’s a moment of truth, that there wouldn’t be this if there hadn’t been you” caught my attention so I restarted the song and pulled up the lyrics. By the time I’d finished the second listen, tears were pooling in my eyes. I wasn’t sad necessarily, but the song evoked a strong emotion in me.

Before listening, I’d seen videos dissecting the uppercase letters so I knew what the song meant to Taylor, but it ended up meaning something a bit different to me.

When I was 17 years old I broke my back in five places. I was a downhill ski racer at the time and, one day at practice, I had a fall. The fall itself wasn’t so bad but my momentum carried me to the side of the run where I smashed into a block of ice left behind by a groomer.

I had a major surgery to repair the worst of the breaks and wore a brace that covered my entire torso for three months afterwards to heal the others. What followed was an incredibly challenging recovery period that lasted about five years. Over this time period I had back pain almost everyday and, while the pain level varied, there were many days where basic tasks like sitting in a chair or carrying a backpack could be incredibly challenging. On top of that, I moved to a new province and started university just seven months after the accident. I had a lot on my plate and a lot of mental and physical work to do to recover from my injury. 

Me on the first and last days wearing my brace.

Just like Taylor, as time passed, people assumed I was over the situation and couldn’t see how deeply it was affecting me. At the beginning of my recovery, I had lots of support but as time passed people assumed I’d recovered completely, when in reality I was still managing the consequences everyday. It’s really only in the last year or so that I’ve started to feel as if I’ve overcome the injury and it isn’t the most prominent thing going on for me anymore.

The song thanK you aIMee perfectly puts into words how I’ve felt at various stages throughout my recovery and I think that’s the beauty of Taylor Swift’s writing. Even though Taylor and I have had vastly different experiences, the emotions she’s writing about resonate with me on a deep level which is a unique experience. She can so clearly describe the emotions you’re experiencing which makes it feel as though she’s written that song just for you, even though you’ve never met.

Here’s my interpretation of what thanK you aIMee means to me, or thanK you aIMee (Torie’s Version):

Taylor’s Version: When I picture my hometown / There’s a bronze spray-tanned statue of you / And a plaque underneath it / That threatens to push me down the stairs at our school

Torie’s Thoughts: This verse has some pretty specific references, but I think a statue in your hometown is a great metaphor for traumatic things that happen to you. Before you do healing work, trauma is big and ever present in your mind like a statue that you have to walk by everyday. It can feel very threatening; for a long time, I couldn’t talk about the accident at all because it felt too scary to examine the feelings that came along with that.

Taylor’s Version: And it was always the same searing pain / But I dreamed that one day, I could say / All that time you were throwing punches / I was building something

Torie’s Thoughts: I carried searing physical pain every day for a large part of my recovery and I spent a lot of time dreaming that one day I could say I was pain-free. There were a lot of points during my recovery where it felt like my situation was throwing punch after punch: days with unbearable pain, setbacks after improvement and the fear that it would never get better. But all throughout my recovery I was building something – a physically and mentally stronger version of me.

Taylor’s Version: And I can’t forgive the way you made me feel / Screamed, “Fuck you, Aimee” to the night sky / As the blood was gushing

Torie’s Thoughts: For a long time during recovery, I felt like I should only feel gratitude because my injury could have been so much worse; I was lucky to be able to walk. But when something hard like this happens to you there’s also anger. It feels unfair and unforgivable and sometimes you do want to say fuck you to the universe for putting you through it. 

Taylor’s Version: But I can’t forget the way you made me heal

Torie’s Thoughts: Similarly to Taylor, this is something that I’m learning to embrace now, six years after my accident. Taylor’s public declaration of her anger came in the form of her Reputation album just a few months before my accident, giving us similar amounts of healing time. On the Tortured Poets album, you get to hear more about how deeply the situation impacted her, while also seeing her healing journey through thanK you aIMee. It’s a relief to see those feelings existing together. You can still be angry or disappointed that something bad happened to you but those feelings can co-exist with an acknowledgement of how a bad situation made you heal. It also shows that these kinds of things aren’t something you just get over. Often, big life events impact us more on the inside than we show to others so it can be surprising to them when we share that it is still impacting us. For the other people in your life, it can be something that was ‘over’ a long time ago while for you it’s been something you’re managing everyday.

Taylor’s Version: And it wasn’t a fair fight, or a clean kill / Each time that Aimee stomped across my grave

Torie’s Thoughts: Recovery isn’t a straight upwards trajectory, regardless of how badly we want it to be. When I first left the hospital, I thought that, once the brace came off, I would be better. In reality, I faced many setbacks and spikes in pain that felt unfair. The imagery of someone stomping around and bringing more pain with them is relatable because of the randomness of the setbacks I faced. 

Taylor’s Version: And then she wrote headlines in the local paper / Laughing at each baby step I’d take

Torie’s Thoughts: I had complete anonymity when I moved away for university, no one knew about the accident unless I told them. But I worried people were laughing at the baby steps I was taking without knowing what was going on. I worried people were judging me in the gym when I couldn’t lift much or when I had to turn back on a hike or when I couldn’t stand up straight. Trying to manage pain and appear fine is exhausting and worrying about what others think makes it even harder – even though all the pressure was coming from myself.

We had to turn back on this hike because carrying my backpack for so long turned out to be more than I could handle.

Taylor’s Version: And it was always the same searing pain / But I prayed that one day, I could say / All that time you were throwing punches I was building something / And I couldn’t wait to show you it was real / Screamed “Fuck you Aimee” to the night sky / As the blood was gushing / But I can’t forget the way you made me heal

Torie’s Thoughts: All the time I was recovering, I was building a stronger version of me and I couldn’t wait for it to be real. Sometimes I’d have good days with little pain and I’d think I was getting better only to be blindsided by increased pain. On these days, the stronger version of me felt like an illusion. Even though I was doing everything I could, I couldn’t stop the blood from gushing.

Taylor’s Version: Everyone knows that my mother is a saintly woman / But she used to say she wished that you were dead

Torie’s Thoughts: I also think that my mother is a saintly woman and I know she would have done anything to take away my pain. I think that’s the same way that Taylor’s mom was feeling at this time. It’s so challenging to watch your kids go through hard things that you can’t do anything about.

My family was a big support for me all throughout my recovery. My grad day, five months after the accident, was a big celebration of everything we’d overcome.

Taylor’s Version: I pushed each boulder up the hill

Torie’s Thoughts: This is the lyric that gets me the most when I listen to the song and it makes me feel emotional every time. Over and over again for five years I fought an uphill battle against the physical pain the accident caused me and the mental burden that came along with that. It could be exhausting and I think this lyric expresses that beautifully. No matter how many times I faced setbacks, I kept pushing back and eventually ended up at the top of a mountain.

Taylor’s Version: Your words are still just ringing in my head, ringing in my head

Torie’s Thoughts: Even as I get better, the impact of the accident still lives in the back of my head. Fearing that the pain could come back or worrying that something I want to do will be too physically challenging are thoughts I dealt with a lot throughout my recovery and that still come up. These thoughts ring in my head and try to impact my choices, but I choose to continue to explore and try new things. Every time I overcome the fear, I build more confidence and it becomes easier the next time.

Taylor’s Version: I wrote a thousand songs that you find uncool / I built a legacy that you can’t undo

Torie’s Thoughts: The legacy that I built is myself. I could have given up and not worked so hard to get better. Instead I still went to university on time, joined a synchronized skating team just seven months after the accident and put in the work everyday to become the strong and emotionally resilient person I am today. No one can take that away from me.

Taylor’s Version: But when I count the scars, there’s a moment of truth / That there wouldn’t be this if there hadn’t been you

Torie’s Thoughts: Taylor is referring to emotional scars and while the accident caused many of those for me, I also have a long physical scar up my spine from my surgery. I used to feel ashamed of it and wanted to cover it up but now I’m proud of it. The scar is a symbol of every hard thing I overcame during this time in my life and I know that without that experience I might not be the same person I am today.

Recently, I completed some hikes carrying a 10 pound backpack with no pain. That’s a measurable reminder of how far I’ve come.

Taylor’s Version: And maybe you’ve reframed it / And in your mind, you never beat my spirit black and blue / I don’t think you’ve changed much / And so I changed your name and any real defining clues / And one day, your kid comes home singing / A song that only us two is gunna know is about you ‘cause

Torie’s Thoughts: For me, starting to acknowledge the lessons I learned and the strength I developed from the accident can feel like a reframe that ignores the fact that the accident did beat my spirit black and blue. To me, this song as a whole is a reminder that both pain and the beauty can exist together despite their opposition.

Taylor’s Version: All that time you were throwing punches / It was all for nothing

Torie’s Thoughts: You can choose to do the work and overcome your challenges, no matter how many punches are being thrown and that’s pretty inspiring.

Taylor’s Version: And our town it looks so small from way up here

Torie’s Thoughts: Recovery is like a mountain and the closer you get to the top, the smaller the trauma, or the statue in your hometown, looks. As you heal, past events have less influence on your current actions.

Taylor’s Version: Screamed “Thank you, Aimee” to the night sky / And the stars are stunning / ‘Cause I can’t forget the way you made me heal

Torie’s Thoughts: As you recover and are able to shift your perspective to being thankful for what you gained from the situation, rather than being weighed down by the hardness of it. I love that in this chorus she changes the lyrics to the stars are stunning because it perfectly illustrates how you can shift your perspective to see beauty again as you heal. Everything doesn’t have to be so hard anymore.

Completing a Via Ferrata course was definitely a bit out of my comfort zone but not having any pain after was a great reminder that things really don’t have to be so hard anymore.

Taylor’s Version: Everyone knows my mother is a saintly women / But she used to say she wished that you were dead / So I pushed each boulder up that hill / Your words were still just ringing in my head, ringing in my head

Torie’s Thoughts: Having your loved ones support and believe in you can give you the motivation to keep striving to overcome your challenges. Even while the fear is still ringing in your head, you keep pushing forwards because you believe something better is possible.

Taylor’s Version: Thank you, Aimee / Thank you, Aimee

Torie’s Thoughts: When I see this line, part of me wants to equate Aimee with the universe and thank it for putting me in a challenging situation that forced me to learn and grow. But I think that gives the idea that I have more gratitude for the situation than I do. Maybe I’ll get there one day, but for now, I think I’m really grateful to myself for persevering through an extremely challenging situation and coming out stronger on the other side.

Thank you Taylor for creating a song that so beautifully portrays overcoming traumatic situations and for making me feel so seen.

I hope that after reading this, you’re able to listen to thanK you aIMee and really appreciate the themes and message Taylor is sharing.